Boating Accidents 101
Messy divorce on the horizon? Tyrannical government coming after your stack? Time to make your Crypto vanish.
The inspo for this article arose from a DM I received from one of my Aussie followers. N.B: The images in the post pushed it size above Gmail’s 102KB limit, so this email will unfortunately be truncated.
You can read it here:
The primary concern seems to be a fear that the Australian Government - which has already proven to possess a nasty Orwellian streak during Covid, would prohibit exchanges from dealing with Australians. Alternatively they could use some other tactic to track and seize crypto holdings (as Canada’s Supreme Leader PM attempted to with the trucker protests).
So, how do you go about having one of those Boating Accidents CT references so often? And more importantly, how do you avoid getting busted?
Before we continue, I want to make it clear that I am neither a cryptographer, nor an on-chain forensic analyst. This article is simply mental masturbation, probably incorrect, and should not be construed in any other manner.
Phase 1 - How to Mix Bitcoin for Anonymity
The objective of this phase is to break the link between you and your BTC. It’s most likely, that as a well intentioned Tax Paying Citizen you bought this on a centralised exchange (CEX) that required KYC. Therefore these coins are inexorably linked to your identity regardless of where you send them.
Step 1 - Download Samurai Wallet
You can get this from their website:. It’s available on iOS and Android, and they also have desktop clients for larger 24/7 mixing jobs. If your paranoia extends to wearing a tin foil hat over your tin foil cap, then I recommend buying a RoninDojo, which is a plug & play full node that lets your wallet query address balances, transaction history etc without trusting someone else’s node.
For the sake of simplicity and practicality (but mostly because I’m lazy), I’m going to skip that part as I doubt my average reader requires that level of obfuscation.
Step 2 - Make a Recovery Sheet (for real though)
Write your seed on a piece of paper and bury it in your gran’s garden, download a pretty PDF template from here, or stamp it in tungsten carbide.. Just be aware that:
There is no way to recover your wallet without your seed phrase
Anyone who gets hold of your seed phrase owns your wallet (so don’t keep it in your desk drawer or on a sticky note).
Step 3 - Set Up
Launch the app, follow the walkthrough and pick Main Net.
Select a folder for Samurai to store its backup files (I prefer to create a dedicated folder for it) and allow system access.
Next step enable TOR, and leave “Connect to your own Dojo server?” off.
Next you select a new, strong password that you definitely haven’t used in the past, and that most certainly hasn’t been leaked on have I been Pwned. You’ll also need to pick a pin code. Once this is done, it’ll show you your seed phrase. You need to take note of these as per Step 2 above.
These screens aren’t shown here, as the app (correctly) blocks screenshots. So no emailing screenshots to yourself, no saving them as a contact in your phone, on Evernote, Apple Notes or even in a text doc on your hard drive. The backup needs to be totally analogue (pen and paper, stamped metal etc) and secured well. Anyone with access to this has access to your BTC.
Now that you’ve sorted out your seed phrase, the app will show you your passphrase. Store this with the seed phrase in case you black out at Solomun and wipe that part of your hard-drive. Don’t laugh, it’s happened to me in the past.
Now claim your PayNym. This is a random username that you can share with others so they can easily connect with you. Mine is +greenfire8e8. Feel free to buy me a beer if you’re finding this useful.
Step 4 - Mixing your BTC
This step is easy, simply hit the blue “+” button on the bottom right, and tap “Whirlpool”.
You should now be presented with a screen with three tabs.
Transactions: A list of your previous incoming transactions.
Mixing: These are the transactions which are in queue to be mixed for the first time.
Remixing: These are coins that have already been mixed once, and are in queue to be remixed. This step is free, and will not cost you any fees.
Hit “Get Started”
Select the transactions you would like to mix and tap the whirlpool button in the bottom right.
Next, you need to select a miner’s fee, and a pool that’s appropriate for the size of the TX you’re looking to mix. Review the details and hit Begin Cycle.
Congratulations, you have now severed the link between you and your BTC. Time to move to phase 2.
Phase 2 - How to buy Monero with no KYC
Head to
https://bisq.network/
this is a decentralised exchange (DEX) which doesn’t require KYC to trade on.
Download the Bisq client (you can find a list of all their clients here: https://bisq.network/downloads)
Agree to the T&Cs
Bisq will then sync with the network via Tor. If Tor is blocked by your ISP or country (e.g. the UAE where I’m sitting right now), you can simply delete old Tor files, select “connect via a bridge” and restart the app.
Head to Funds in the main taskbar and fund your wallet with your mixed BTC
Once your wallet is funded, you’re ready to trade. Head to the Market tab and search for XMR. The rest of the process is standard as per any other exchange. You place your trade and withdraw to your self-hosted wallet (you can find a selection of these here: https://www.getmonero.org/downloads)
Congratulations, you are now a fully qualified Threat to Society. A scourge on democracy, and tool of All That is Evil in this World.
Use your newfound powers for good, and follow the cardinal rule of life: Don’t be a dick.
Have fun, and as always trade safe;
TCP
H/T to
https://bitcoinmagazine.com/
who published a great piece covering whirpooling a few days ago, and, from who in the spirit of open source-ness I took the liberty of nicking a couple of the above screenshots.
Another great article... learned something new with regards to mixing and Samurai Wallet
Another gem article by TCP. Thank you.